Saturday, 17 May 2008
many hours laters i havent progressed a lot. no hope for an A. at least thats decided! whats the use bothering myself with all the media profiles that i have to absorb in my gray matter (little of what is left). i dont want to disappoint my mother, who has started wondering why havent i shown any sign of pre exam hysteria( i have gone past that stage, i get them on different occasions now) Like a good, obeying daughter( yes, latter part of that description is true) i start studying. quite an achievement on my part, with eyes constantly moving like a yo- yo from the television screen to my notes online.
many many hours later, i m sitting outside my exam room, totally freaked out, with a couple of hand written, no cut that out, poorly scribbled notes on my lap. trying to defy all the chit chat, whispering, shouting around me, i concentrate. concentrate on what my friend's telling me; the summery of the media profile of Uk, Australia etc. of course i cannot shovel all my notes into my brain by reading them. at these crucial times, my hearing abilities are the most trustworthy. guess its an exceptional day. hearing abilities in good condition but its all leaking out from somewhere.
in the exam room. sweating profusely, lights out, jam packed room with stinky odor penetrating into my nose, pen in hand, a blank answer sheet. it says it all, doesnt it? but the question paper turned out to be nothing close to rocket science ( i am bad at science, very bad). a piece of cake. a piece of cake that just wasnt my taste though i knew the answers; the pleasant lightless, fanless, airless room motivated and uplifted my spirits a bit too much i suppose. nevertheless, i submitted myself (forcefully) into attempting the question paper.
two hours later. out of the exam room, out in the hot but at least airy environ, i breathed a sigh of relief, stretched myself ( love this part) and walked with a lot of weight off my shoulders.
and o did i mention anything about the bee? uh ho, no its the not the post about the bee!
Saturday, 3 May 2008
in life its so important to make someone happy. but how ironic we spend most of it trying to make ourselves happy on the expense of others' lives. or perhaps not. then why is man so complicated? why is it that when he looks into the mirror, there is no truth, there is vacuum filled with innumerable questions floating in mid air. in vacuum?
according to an adage, living for others is the true way of living. put aside yourself, become selfless and try to make others' life heaven no matter if you end up all messed up.
but thats not what the adage really means. it means putting a smile on someone's face is so true a virtue that it puts all wrongs to right even for you. that one smile brought to someone puts a smile on your face straight away. how true.
as i think of the smiles, truly genuine smiles, i think of a child beaming from ear to ear after he's heard his favourite bedtime story. i think of my nani's face, glowing white, wrinkle less, suddenly young and defiant of time and age when i made her fill my scrap book or when i showed her my poem. she was happy in my happiness. there was truth in her contentment. i think of my mother's smile, it comes so easily amid her fragility. the dark circles islanding her eyes vanish like they never existed. she smiles on a private thought, then chuckles when i ask whats the matter, she gives me a sheepish, young girl's mischievous look. as i lie in her lap for i know she knows i do that only when i want her to caress my hair, run her hands through my hair, i see she's secretly smiling. but its not because that i make her happy, its because shes the one who finds her happiness in my happiness. thats happiness in its raw and simplest form.
but today we look for happiness in different terms. its so hard to make someone happy now.
but how can you buy someone happiness ( such a rare gem these days) without getting wasted in the process. isn't being selfless a significant component of living for others? defy yourself, become someone's mirror, show them their reflection, make them happy but never reveal yourself. your existence, your breaths all acting as a life support system for someone else. there is no you, only them. all for what? just to see a smile, an expression of contentment on their faces; that after all your hard work, all your sacrifices is still not there? its hard to synchronize my thoughts with sensibility as i type away in a frenzy. but why is man so complicated. why does he dwell in two extremes. either selflessness or selfishness. why does he look like a failed juggler in a circus full of audience?
Friday, 2 May 2008
God created suffering and heartache, so that joy might be known as their opposite. Hidden things become manifest through their opposites. But God has no opposite; so he remains hidden. Light is known as the opposite of darkness. But God's light had no opposite. Thus we cannot know Him through our eyes.
Thursday, 1 May 2008
The little, tiny cold drop of water falls on my skin.
My dry cracked skin, like the parched earth by the intense heat of the sun.
The sun usually so dominant, now so insignificant, like a horse abandoned in a desert.
A desert thirsty for water, one drop of it.
A tiny drop of rain falls down with grace and purity, dances on my cheek for a while and then slides down. I open my dreamy, squinting eyes and look at the promising sky. its bright and wide and majestic. Softly bouncing its way down, the second drop of rain rushes down with velocity more than the first. i swirl and run and spread my arms as the rain tickles me as it falls. i feel like a bird soaring into the endless skies celebrating the clouds' homecoming.
on such moments when the wind is blowing, the sky is dark with pregnant clouds, the rains' pouring down, and there is hardly any sign of a flying creature; you would see a brave, wild bird flying alone in the sky. enjoying her flight in the pouring rain and testing her own capacity of fighting her way through the cold winds.